


Banana Nut Bread

by knottedenergy



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: "growing back together", Depression, District 12, F/M, Hijacking, Marriage, Mental Illness, PTSD, Peeta's Family, Post-Mockingjay, Romance, Toasting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-26
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2017-11-19 14:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/574295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knottedenergy/pseuds/knottedenergy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peeta and Katniss struggle to rebuild their lives after the war.  Peeta hears how Katniss is doing in District 12, and the news is not good.  Peeta wants to join Katniss there and do whatever he can to help her, but is he really ready to face Katniss or District 12?  Story is COMPLETE and will be published one chapter at a time regularly (approx. every other day).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Banana Nut Bread

POV: Dr. Aurelius (story contains multiple POVs)

Peeta arrived on time, carrying a loaf of bread under his arm. "It's banana nut," he announced. "I thought that it would be the most appropriate for a psychiatrist."  
He smiled widely.

I thought about the videos of Peeta being interviewed by Caesar Flickerman. Yes, this was Peeta's pattern. He often made jokes before becoming gravely serious. I wondered what weighty topic he had on his mind for today's session. At least he was baking again. It seemed to make him feel useful and keep his mind distracted. Peeta was living in an apartment building set up for soldiers recovering from wounds, both physical and psychological. I'd heard that he was baking enough for the whole building and then some.

"Thank you Peeta. I will enjoy it with the family tonight. How are you doing?"

"I got a call from Haymitch yesterday," he said." Katniss is not eating, bathing or leaving her house. Have you talked to her?" he asks.

Ah, here's the grave topic. So Haymitch has upset Peeta with information about Katniss that's disturbing. What is Haymitch thinking? We have enough to worry about with Katniss. Peeta decompensating is certainly not what we need right now.

"She doesn't answer the phone when I call, unfortunately," I confide in Peeta.

"Haymitch says he doesn't go over there for fear of making things worse. An older woman that we know is trying to take care of Katniss, but I don't think it's working." Peeta paused, tapping his fingers on the arm of the chair. The pause was a long one for someone who usually talks through the whole session.

"I'm worried she might try to kill herself again," he finally said. "Even if she doesn't, I think she might die from not eating enough. That's really just a slow form of suicide," Peeta said softly. "I took the poison capsule away from Katniss at the public execution of Snow, but I couldn't make her stop wanting to die."

"It's possible that Katniss is suicidal," I said. "It's also possible that she's not. Even if she is suicidal, she might not act on those feelings again. I'll call Haymitch this afternoon and discuss the situation. Maybe I can talk to the older woman too. We need to reevaluate what we are doing for Katniss," I offered.

"You know, I watched Katniss almost die when we were kids. That was the first time I saw her life in jeopardy. Did I ever tell you about that?" Peeta asked.

"No."

"After the mine accident that killed Mr. Everdeen, I watched Katniss at school to see if she was okay. She wasn't. She was very sad. Her face was simply expressionless most of the time. The only time she cheered up much was when she was with Prim. Katniss got pale and lost weight. I was 12 years old, and I was old enough to notice that Katniss had started to look more… like a woman…in the year before her father died. She lost all that…you know...when she lost so much weight…" Peeta's face started to turn red.

It was always interesting to see what embarrassed people from different districts. District 12's people seem particularly embarrassed about their sexuality. That's ironic because most people I've treated from District 12 are deeply emotional and able to express feelings about other topics readily. They are often eloquent despite their simplistic way of life. When it comes to talking about their bodies and sexuality though, they have great difficulty.

At times Peeta and Katniss had kissed passionately in front of the entire country, but they never talked about it. I imagined that they didn't talk about it even between themselves. They simply did it. I used to think that people in District 12 just didn't have the vocabulary for discussing sexuality, but Peeta had started to talk about it vaguely. That was good since many of his issues were about Katniss, the girl he'd seemingly always loved. Peeta went on, despite his obvious embarrassment.

"…and she started to look like a little girl again...skinny…straight up and down." He motioned his hands in vertical lines. "Her cheeks started to look a little hollow. One day I saw her clutch a doorway to keep herself steady. She looked like she was going to faint. She leaned up against a wall for support on another day. I'd seen all those signs before. Usually kids who started getting weak like that were dead in a matter of weeks. Kids died of starvation all the time in 12, and it was always sad. Watching Katniss nearly die? It was horrible.

Prim's appearance didn't change much. I suspected that Katniss was giving most of the little food that they had to Prim. I wondered if Katniss had considered what Prim was going to do without her. I wanted to help Katniss, but I didn't know what to do. So I prayed her mother would find work and that Katniss would find a safe way to get food. There was a peacekeeper who paid girls to…do things…to him. I prayed that he wouldn't bother Katniss. Thinking of her being used that way was unbearable. I wanted to protect her, but I was a child myself."

I nodded. Yes, he was a child, I thought. He didn't have much food either. None of them did in 12. Peeta continued.

"Then Katniss missed several days of school. Sometimes mothers in 12 would go to wake up their children and find them dead. I imagined Katniss lying dead, cold and alone on a bed in the Seam. I couldn't get the image out of my mind. When someone died in 12, the family put a wreath of vines on the door of the house. It mostly symbolized eternal love between family members and the intertwining of the community in supporting the people grieving."

"Hmmmm…." I said with a nod. I thought about what a lovely tradition the wreaths are. These people from 12 are very emotionally intelligent. District 13 residents really would do well to intermarry with them as President Coin had wanted. 

Peeta sighed sadly, probably mourning his home. Then he continued.

"Anyway, one afternoon I went down to the Seam to see if there was a wreath on the Everdeen's front door, but I didn't know my way around the Seam. I never found the right house. The next day was the day Katniss showed up in our backyard looking through the trash. Having spent days worrying myself sick over Katniss, I knew I had to do something drastic to help her. What Katniss said in that tape you saw is true. I gave her almost two whole loaves of bread. I deliberately burned them, but I don't know if Katniss knows that. My mother hit me for it, but she was always hitting us. It just hurt more than usual.

The next day at school, Katniss looked a little stronger. I saw her afterschool. She picked a dandelion and then she left. She looked almost happy. A few days later, I saw her with a basket full of leaves, stems and flowers. I wondered what she was doing with them. Then I realized that they were food – weeds, but still food. She'd found a safe way to find some food. Soon she was showing up at the bakery to sell my father berries. Eventually, she sold him squirrels. Katniss managed to find a way to survive back then. I don't know if she will now. It sounds like she's giving up. Peeta looked at me expectantly. His foot tapped the ground. "When do you think I can go home?" he asked. "I have to see her."


	2. The Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta's courageous efforts to return to Katniss & the real reasons he wants to see her so badly.

(Peeta's Point of View)  
Once I found out how sick Katniss was, all I could think about was getting back to her. At the time of the reaping I had already had a crush on Katniss for a decade, and I’d cherished that child-like yet romantic form of affection over the years even when it pained me to do it. I made such sacrifices for her in the games, but I’d muddled through what I did for her not fully understanding why I did it other than that I “loved” her. Like so much in my life, my love for Katniss had matured during the past few years, and as I healed that realization opened up a whole new world to me.  
Katniss once said that what we did was protect each other, and I believed that. Considerations of whether or not Katniss liked me or loved me paled in comparison to concerns over her safety. I hoped she loved me, but mostly I just wanted Katniss to be safe and healthy. Maybe I could even hope for happiness for her. Sometimes I still lapsed into uncertainties, feeling like a child pulling petals off a daisy saying, "she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not." When that happened, I reminded myself that I was on a mission help Katniss, to save her sanity and maybe her life. Much more was at stake than just my feelings.  
Dr. Aurelius explained clearly that I was going to have to work hard to be able to go back home any time soon. He warned me that returning home unauthorized and unprepared might make everything worse for me and for Katniss, but I was determined to get prepared as soon as possible. So Dr. Aurelius and I started meeting for hour-long sessions three times a week. Unfortunately, most of them involved trying to trigger the memories altered by the Capitol's tracker jacker torture and then learning to deal with the inevitable terror and pain. This approach carried risks because if I couldn't cope with the feelings the triggers brought out, I might end up losing my mind the way I did when I first arrived in District 13. That didn't happen, but soon I was having many more bad memories than usual popping into my mind for no apparent reason. I managed some well, but some were so awful that I feared I would never learn to cope with them. Dr. Aurelius said that was not unexpected. Things were going to get worse before they got better. Since we were taking an accelerated approach to the recovery techniques, things were going to get much worse before they got better.  
Sometimes when it all became too much, I imagined what it would have been like if Snow had just left us alone or if the Hunger Games had never happened at all. Maybe Katniss would have fallen in love with me as much as I was in love with her. It would have been amazing. It was in my mind anyway. I imagined kissing her soft lips, holding her shapely waist, and touching her skin wherever she'd allow it. I imagined all our friends and family at our wedding, even though most of them were dead now. The toasting was moving, of course. I always loved that tradition, being a baker. I imagined making sure Katniss felt safe, and warm, and satisfied as I passionately made love to her. In my mind, Katniss was pretty passionate herself. She was wonderful. Being a young man, I couldn't help but linger on those intimate moments. I imagined patting her swollen belly as a baby really did grow inside it. In my mind, knowing that I was responsible for that life was exhilarating. How beautiful her children would be. Surprisingly, I didn't feel guilty about thinking of Katniss in these ways. In my imagination, I fully intended to make Katniss my wife and love her forever. That kind of blissful happiness seemed impossible in reality now. Pain and destruction had robbed me of that prospective life, and now I could only visualize it as an elusive distraction.  
In addition to preparing for tracker jacker torture triggers, I had to plan for how I'd deal with the devastation of my home. Having only passed by District 12 on my way to the Capitol during the war, I had little personal knowledge of the destruction. Most of what I knew I'd learned from videos of the devastation. Dr. Aurelius encouraged me to watch those videos repeatedly, and he showed me more videos of the mass grave and clean-up efforts. Thoughts of my home and my people reduced to mere bones, soot, and dust haunted me day and night for a while. Shivering, I’d wonder if any of the remains in the videos belonged to people I knew and if I’d accidently trudge through them when I returned home. My friends? My parents? My brothers? 

My nightmares, which had once been dominated by fears of losing Katniss, became filled with visions of the bombing. Images of my family dying agonizing deaths unsettled me most. I hoped they had died from the smoke and not the fire. While I was in prison Snow tormented me with his version of the story, which was that my brother bled to death while the rest of my family burned alive. I kept thinking of how helpless my brother must have felt if he had cogent thoughts at all at the time. Seeing his own wife and baby along with his parents being murdered in such a horrible way right in front of him, he’d have been completely unable to do anything to stop it. The fact that I would never know for sure exactly what happened to my family proved both merciful and devastating for me. While it separated me from their pain somewhat it also lead to endless speculation.  
Through my preparations I started to realize that returning home involved much more than "being there" for Katniss, and I also started to wonder why anyone would see fit to send Katniss home. Perhaps they really just wanted to isolate her and what better place to do that than a remote and decimated district? But District 12 did seem like an unlikely place for her to heal. Then again there were probably many people who didn't want her to heal. Others would not miss her if she took her life or died of natural causes.  
Dr. Aurelius gave me some medicine as part of his plan to help me recover faster. I had tried not to take any before because I had been on so much medicine while recovering from the burns. Dr. Aurelius said the medicines he gave me were different, explaining that they would keep my mind more “grounded” while I tried to sort out the distorted tracker jacker memories. He assured me that the medicines were not addictive which made me feel more confident. The last thing I wanted was to end up back home acting like a morphling addict. It had taken long enough to wean myself from the morphling that I needed to recover from the burns. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be addicted to the stuff.  
Every day I took a white pill and a blue pill that Dr. Aurelius prescribed, and they did seem to help my mind feel more, well, grounded. I wondered if Katniss had tried any medicine. Dr. Aurelius would not tell me that when I asked because it was private information. I suspected that Katniss had refused medication. Maybe I could try to convince her to at least consider it once I got home.

I also had to negotiate with my burn doctor to go home. He didn't really want to send me back so soon. He said he could do so much more to make the burns look better. I refused to have any more skin grafts or procedures because I wanted to be ready to leave whenever Dr. Aurelius would let me go. So finally my burn doctor had to admit that since my burns were technically healed, there was no medical reason not to send me home. I did wonder what Katniss might think about the burns. She'd seen the ones on my hands and face in a partial state of healing on the day Snow died, but there were many other burns she hadn't seen. I wasn't exactly disfigured, but anyone paying attention could see I'd been burned. I wondered if I would wish that I'd listened to my burn doctor when I saw Katniss face to face. Would I feel self-conscious about my scars if Katniss and I ever became more than friends? I remembered how the Capitol polished our skin and made us look so perfect for the first Hunger Games. Everything was so different now. We are both scarred inside and outside.

I was encouraged that thinking about Katniss didn't usually trigger bad memories anymore. Mostly the triggers were things that reminded me of the videos they showed me during the tracker jacker torture. The videos were mostly of Katniss and me in the arena. So certain kinds of trees, plants, sunsets, animals, rocks, and the sound of water trickling were the strange things that triggered episodes.  
The worst episodes happened when the wind blew against my lips a certain way or the air conditioner made my arms feel like they were being touched. I'd think for a moment that these sensations were the imaginary mutation version of Katniss trying to deceive me with her kisses and caresses. Since there were tender memories of moments between Katniss and me that the Capitol could never alter, I tried to replace the disturbing false memories with happy ones. Instead of the tracker-jacker-tainted kisses in the cave, I'd think of the kiss during the Battle of the Capitol. It was a kiss that probably saved my life. Instead of the mutation version of Katniss touching my arms, I'd remember playing with Katniss' hair while we held each other on the victory tour train.  
Sometimes I unwillingly re-lived the beatings and the druggings that I had experienced in prison. During those times, it was as if I could almost feel diminished versions of the blows, the needles, the warm rushes up my arm, and my head swimming. My body somehow remembered all those sensations. I decided that just letting myself feel all the feelings that came with re-living those moments was the best way to deal with them. Dr. Aurelius said that I was very brave to do that, but I didn't feel brave. I felt helpless. He kept assuring me that my work was paying off. One day he handed me a piece of paper.

"This is a plan for your home-coming, Peeta." He said. "I think that if you do these things then you can go home.” The "plan" listed the two medicines that I was taking, frequent phone calls with Dr. Aurelius and something called a “safety plan.”  
"And here's your train ticket," he said, smiling at me. "You can change the date to whenever you feel ready if tomorrow feels too soon."

Amazed and a little panic-stricken, I couldn’t believe what was happening. I was going home? I was going to see Katniss?

Dr. Aurelius added, "You'll need to develop that “safety plan” I mentioned on the list. A “safety plan” refers to what you plan to do if you have a particularly bad episode. You need a place to go that's away from Katniss, for example. I know you live close to her, and your house might not be far enough away. It would be tragic for you to hurt Katniss or yourself after all you have accomplished. You also need to prepare for the fact that Katniss might not want to see you at all and know in advance what you are going to do if that happens. Those are the things I wanted to talk about today."

I thought the safety plan was a good idea, though I certainly hoped I'd never need to use it. I hadn't really considered that Katniss wouldn't want to see me at all because Haymith said Katniss just sat in a rocking chair with a blanket over her. Up to this point I'd imagined sitting on the sofa nearby while Katniss ignored me for a while. Now that Dr. Aurelius pointed out this new possibility, I imagined Katniss throwing a book at me and telling me to "get out." The thought didn't dampen my mood much though, and it didn't change my resolve to help Katniss. Nothing ever changed that.

(Thanks to "Katnissinme" for her excellent work as a beta for this chapter)


	3. Chapter 3

(Point of View: Katniss)

The clatter of metal on wood made me nearly jump out of the rocking chair. I heard Greasy Sae pick up whatever kitchen utensil she'd dropped. It was too late for my mind not to go somewhere else though. It flashed to the explosion that killed Boggs. My insides contracted, a visceral reaction to the memory of that terrible day. The blood, my commander dying in front of me, the fear; everything was there again. I put my hand on my head and let out of tiny whimper. I felt nauseous and my head ached. Greasy Sae's grand-daughter brought her ball of yarn over and crawled into my lap. She was good at comforting me. I didn't really understand how she knew when I needed comforting the most. Nobody else seemed to notice.

My name is Katniss Everdeen. I'm 18 years old. I won the Hunger Games. I escaped another Hunger Games. I helped to accomplish a revolution. I just want to die. I can't figure out when and how to die. If I do nothing, I will probably die anyway.

I motioned for Greasy Sae's grand-daughter to get up. I needed to go to the bathroom. She obliged. Going to the bathroom was about as far as I walked most days. There was nowhere worth walking. I realized how little I must be drinking during my trip to the bathroom. Little intake means little output. Oh, well, dehydration was not as bad a way to die as I thought it was during the first Hunger Games. Maybe I should try to stop drinking altogether. I slowly made it back to the rocking chair, holding the wall as I went.

Suddenly I thought of Peeta. People and places invaded my mind these days so often. Perhaps it was because I just sat in this rocking chair with so little distraction. Perhaps it was because I'd been thinking of the first Hunger Games. I thought of the cave. I thought of how Peeta's memories had been robbed of him. He didn't remember that meaningful kiss there. At least, he didn't remember it correctly. I wondered if he remembered being so sick…the blood poisoning. He probably did remember that. It seemed the Capitol just made the good memories bad and left the bad ones alone.

I still remembered everything about the cave though. It was there that I first became truly confused by my feelings for Peeta. Now I knew that confusion was the beginning of love. It didn't matter though. Nothing mattered now. Still, I took a deep breath as I remembered that kiss in the cave. It was the one that made me want another. So, in my imagination, I took another. I kissed Peeta repeatedly, until he seemed to run out of breath. I encouraged him to lay down on the cave floor by gently pushing his body downwards. He had a surprised look in his eyes when I was able to glance at them between kisses. He deepened the kisses and began running his hands up and down my back. I ran my hands over Peeta's chest and his shoulders. In my mind there were no cameras. There was only the two of us. I shifted my weight so our bodies were even closer together…so close...

"Sae! What's for breakfast today?" Haymitch said loudly as he walked into the kitchen. Had he even knocked? Oh, well. It didn't matter. He'd been coming over every day for several days now. He was revoltingly cheerful. It was very un-Haymitch-like.

"Hi, Sweetheart," Haymitch said as he turned toward me.

I didn't look at him. I just stared at the fire. He patted my hand where it showed out from under the blanket. It was a small gesture. One that was unwanted. I felt that I was going to cry though, but my eyes were so dry. Stupid Haymitch! Why didn't he just leave me alone? I didn't want to feel anything…nothing except the few things that still gave me brief pleasure before they numbed me. Haymitch's meager attempts to care for me were not among them! I wanted to yell at him. I took a deep breath and prepared to use expletives I'd only heard in the Capitol. I couldn't get my mouth to work though. My tongue seemed to stick to the roof of my mouth. I've felt this way before sometime.

"Katniss, why don't you let Sae help you take a bath? You'd feel better," Haymitch said. He was still touching my hand.

I kept my eyes closed. In my mind, I went back to the cave and started over again. I felt the kiss that made me want another. I kissed Peeta over and over again. I put my hand on his shoulder and pushed it slightly downward until he realized that I wanted him to lay down on the cave floor. I saw the surprise in his eyes. I felt his kisses deepen. I felt his hands all over my back – up and down. I felt my hands run across the fabric of the jacket that covered his chest and shoulders. I shifted my weight so I was ever closer to him. I wanted to be so close to him that we were inseparable. Peeta rested his hand on the small of my back. I felt warmth all over my body, but then a coldness crept in. I felt Peeta leaving me. His body was still there, but his spirit seemed to move away.

This is my fantasy, I thought, why can't I control it?

I tried to call Peeta's name.

Then I thought, maybe it is me who is leaving Peeta.

"Katniss. We're going to take you upstairs, OK?" I heard Haymitch say. I felt arms around me, then a sensation of being lifted. Maybe I was flying. No, I was falling into Haymitch's arms.

(Haymitch's POV)

Katniss looks weaker today. I could tell as soon as I walked into the house. Sae says she hadn't eaten anything but a little broth in days. I know Sae is trying, but I wish she was more aggressive sometimes. Katniss surely isn't going to respond to me telling her what to do though. Honestly, the simple-minded girl of Sae's seems to be the person Katniss responds to the most. I wish that the girl could talk. Maybe if she could talk then she could convince Katniss to eat.

It was unnerving when Katniss passed out right in front of me. Katniss wasn't even standing up. She was sitting down! That's not usually how it happens if you aren't drinking. When I picked Katniss up to take her upstairs to her bed, she was so much lighter than I anticipated that I almost lost my balance. I couldn't help but notice the bones I could see when I pulled the covers up to her shoulders. She was dirty too. Sae says she won't let anyone touch her. I called the doctor. He said Katniss is starving and dehydrated which was an opinion hardly worth the fee I paid him to see her. Then he started an IV to "rehydrate" Katniss. The fluid slowly dripped in while I held her hand.

Since Katniss was unconscious, Sae was able to bathe her. It wasn't easy to do in bed though, and Sae is a very old woman. She had trouble moving Katniss, so I had to help her. Katniss would have been mortified to have me helping with something like that, but it was important. She had very obvious scars from the burns and the surgery she'd had. That wan't what worried me though. Katniss' ribs and bones showed everywhere. She looked much worse without clothes. I didn't even think of it as seeing someone naked. It was more like seeing a skeleton with skin. I wondered if this bath would be the one before her funeral as my heart sank. I needed a drink. We dressed Katniss in a clean white nightgown. It took a long time for her to wake up, but when she did she tore out the IV immediately.

I knew what the Hunger Games had done to me, but I guess I always thought that Katniss was different. Maybe it was being the Mockingjay that reduced her to what she had become. Maybe. I did know one thing for sure, if Katniss died, I'd never forgive myself for my part in thrusting that Mockingjay role on her. Perhaps the world was better off for it, but Katniss was destroyed. For me, that would never seem like a fair trade. To add to all of this, Peeta was on his way home. Dr. Aurelius said he wanted to see Katniss. I wondered what seeing Katniss like this would do to him. I really needed a drink.


	4. Chapter 4

(Point of View: Katniss)

I woke up still alive. These people were going to do anything they could to see that I stayed alive, I guess. I knew I should be grateful, but I had mixed feelings instead. Turning on my side, I could see that I was wearing a white nightgown. It was so bright. I looked down at my arms and hands. Someone had washed them. I sighed as Greasy Sae arrived in my room with some broth and bread.

"You have to eat, "she said. Her gaze was fixed on me. "I've lived 80 years in this district, and I'm not going to watch a rich girl like you starve. I've seen too many people starve already."

It was hard to refuse Greasy Sae when she explained it that way. I took the bread and broth and started to eat it very slowly. It occurred to me that Greasy Sae would have been 5 years old when the last rebellion happened and district 12 became essentially enslaved by the Capitol.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

"Yes, child."

"Was this revolution worth it? Worth all the death and destruction?"

"yes and no." She answered. "Your children's children will think it was worth it, but you may never think it was worth it. After all, you know what it cost. I will say this. Nobody is being hanged, flogged, or starved in our district now. That's because of the revolution."

"Or because there's almost nobody left to hang, flog or starve." I said smugly.

"There's truth in that too." Sae said nodding.

(Point of View: Peeta)

I thought of planting evening primroses in honor of Prim on the train to District 12. I had seen flowers being given at funerals in the Capitol. They were usually cut flowers. Cut flowers seemed like a waste though. Why not plant flowers for Katniss that would keep honoring her sister's memory instead? The only down-side to my plan to plant primroses was that it involved me going into the woods to find some. It wasn't as bad as I thought though. I only had to remind myself that I was home in District 12 and not in the arena twice. Soon I was on my way to Victor's Village with a cart full of primroses. The digging was easy because it had rained recently. I thought I'd wait until I had planted all the primroses before going in to see Katniss. Maybe I could convince her to get out of the rocking chair to see the primroses. Then I heard footsteps and turned to see Katniss standing in front of me. She looked thin, much too thin. Her hair looked dirty and matted. I was taken aback, but I tried not to show it. I felt like I was 12 years old all over again – desperate to help Katniss survive.

"You're back!" She said.

"Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let me leave the Capitol until yesterday," I said "By the way; he says he can't pretend to treat you forever. You have to pick up the phone."

Suddenly Katniss turned and ran toward the house. I tried to grab her arm and follow her, but she had a head start. She slammed the door and I heard it lock behind her.

I stood still for a moment. My hands started to shake as I felt the breeze on my face. Was she trying to hurt me? Had she always been trying to hurt me? Was she going to get her bow to kill me? I dropped the shovel and leaned my back against the side of the house. With my hands on my head I dropped down to the dirt. Grabbing the shovel again, I gripped my hands around it as hard as I possibly could.

What was it that I was supposed to do if Katniss didn't want to see me? I thought. Then I remembered.

Find Delly.

(Point of View: Delly)

Peeta arrived at my front door rambling about Katniss. It wasn't completely unexpected. He and Dr. Aurelius had called two days before to ask if I'd be of support to Peeta if anything went poorly after his arrival home. I thought Peeta was brave for having come down to 12 at all. Personally, I thought it might be easier on Peeta and Katniss if they tried to move on to new relationships, but it was not my decision to make.

"Peeta, slow down. I can't understand you." I said. He did slow down. In fact, he stopped talking for a few minutes. Then he resumed in a calmer tone.

"It was a mistake to come here, Delly." He said.

"To my house, Peeta? No, that wasn't a mistake. I am supposed to be here for you." I replied.

"No, it was a mistake to come back to District 12." He said.

"What happened, Peeta?" 

"She didn't want to see me. You don't know what I've been through to get to come back here, and Katniss didn't even want to see me!" He said.

"Are you sure that's true? Is that what she said?" I asked

"No, she just ran away."

"And you've never run away, Peeta? Perhaps because you didn't know what to say or weren't ready to face something." I countered. "Are you having an episode or are you hurt?'

"Hurt mostly. I don't feel any signs of an episode coming on." He said.

"That's good." I said. "Come on. We are going to the marketplace."

"Why, Delly? I don't want to go to the marketplace."

"Come on," I said pulling on his arm.

We arrived at the marketplace at the busiest time of day, but we navigated the small crowd without too much difficulty. We made it to Greasy Sae's place while she was cooking up new stews. Greasy Sae's grand-daughter saw us first and smiled.

"Sae!" I said, "What's for dinner?"

"Vegetable stew with pork," she told me warmly. "How many do you want, Delly?"

"Two." I said. It was a little late for lunch and a little early for dinner, but I liked buying from Sae. Plus, we needed her insight.

"Sae, Peeta here thinks Katniss doesn't want to see him." I blurted out.

Peeta looked at me sternly as if I'd embarrassed him. Please! It wasn't as if the whole country didn't know that Peeta was in love with Katniss – or at least had been.

"Oh, no. I don't think so. That girl hadn't even been out of the house until today. After she talked to Peeta this morning she took a shower, she dressed, and she went hunting."

I turned to Peeta with a confident smirk that I hoped communicated, "I told you so" in the most loving way possible.

"So you are saying that you think it helped Katniss to see me?" Peeta asked Sae.

"Yes, that's what I'm saying. I should know. Besides Haymitch, I'm the only one who sees Katniss right now." I saw Sae's grand-daughter pull hard on Sae's skirt to get her attention. "and you too, child." Sae told her grand-daughter.

"Peeta, you should come to dinner tonight." Sae said. "Bring some bread."

"What kind of bread? What are you having for dinner?" Peeta asked.

"Vegetable stew with pork," Sae said smiling a crooked smile.


	5. Chapter 5

(Point of View: Katniss)

That night after trying to hunt for the first time, I was so exhausted. Over dinner Sae kept looking at the door as if she was expecting someone. I hoped it wasn't Haymitch. Maybe it was Peeta, but it wasn't likely to be him. The Capitol was overthrown, and President Coin was dead. Peeta couldn't be forced to spend time with me. I'd caused the bombing that killed his family with my actions. His mind was tortured by memories of me – both real and false. If he did choose to spend any time with me then it would be only out of pity. I didn't want that. Peeta needed to find someone who deserved him. Haymitch had said that I could live a thousand lifetimes and still not deserve Peeta. He was right. Still, I wished I was worthy of Peeta's love and his respect. It was a shame I hadn't recognized the potential we had before it was too late. I would only be a burden to Peeta now. I was a burden to everyone now.

I slept better than usual with Buttercup by my side. Like a good soldier, he kept the watch. In return I cleaned his wounds in the morning. It was about the time that I finished dressing buttercup's paw that I heard Peeta's voice. He was talking to Sae. I slowly walked to the kitchen. I was so bad with words. What could I say to him? I worried unnecessarily. As usual, Peeta made things easy for me.

"Hi, Katniss." He said warmly. He had a loaf of bread under his arm and held it out to me. "It's called Banana Nut Bread, and it's great with breakfast. I learned to make it in the Capitol. This is the only loaf I can make for a while though. There are no bananas around here!"

"Thanks." I said. I tried to avoid looking him into his eyes, but I couldn't help myself.

"Come sit down and try it," he said. Putting his hand near my shoulder without touching it, he encouraged me to sit at the table. I obliged.

Just then Peeta jumped and looked down. We heard a loud purring. Buttercup was nuzzling up to Peeta's leg.

"Buttercup! Peeta said. "I wasn't expecting to see you again!" Peeta patted Buttercup's head which only encouraged Buttercup to nuzzle against Peeta more.

When breakfast was over, Sae said she needed to get to the market early and left. With pleading eyes I asked her stay awhile, but she insisted that she had tremendous amounts of work to do. Peeta and I drank tea at the table and watched the fire burn.

"So how are you doing?" he finally said.

"I should be asking you that." I replied.

"I'm doing much better, Katniss. Thank you. How you are doing is just as important though. "

There it was. Pity. He was worried about poor, pathetic Katniss. I had to face it though. I was pretty pathetic.

I looked up at Peeta and tried to seem stern and angry, but my stern expression melted into sadness. I quickly looked down, but it was too late. Peeta was too perceptive not to pick up on my emotions. Soon I was crying. Peeta got up for his seat and sat closer to me. He took my hand and kissed the back of it. Then he kept holding it as he listened to me. I had nothing to lose. I told him the truth.

"I don't feel like I'm alive, but I'm not dead." I said. "I spend my time during the day avoiding reminders of all the bad things that have happened. I spend my sleeping time experiencing all the bad things that have happened. It's no life, Peeta."

He nodded. He was being uncharacteristically quiet.

"Sometimes I feel nothing. Nothing. Other times I hurt, but I never feel good. "

Peeta squeezed my hand.

I knew it was wrong to say the next sentence I said, but I couldn't help myself. "Peeta, kiss me. I just want to feel something."

Peeta sighed. His face seemed deadly serious. Then he looked down at our joined hands. I waited for him to say something or so something. He did neither. An unexpected rage began to bubble up inside me. How dare he come here? Why did he dangle his friendship in front of me? His love? And then refuse to do something for me that we'd already done thousands of times.

"What's wrong with me? Why won't you kiss me? Am I not good enough anymore? Not worthy enough to kiss you, Peeta? I guess I shouldn't be surprised! They can put my on TV and parade me before the whole country to get their precious victory and then discard me; why shouldn't you do the same?"

Peeta was quick with his response. "That's not it. That's not it at all. It's just hard to see you like this, Katniss. I want to kiss you, but you're not yourself. I don't know if it's what you really want."

"I should be the expert on what I want!" I said smugly.

"So, is what you want to starve to death because I hear that's what you were doing up until a few days ago." Peeta replied.

It wasn't really an accusation. It was more like an observation – though Peeta hadn't been here to observe it. Still, I was surprised by Peeta's insight. He wasn't the boy with the puppy love crush on me anymore. He saw me as 3 dimensional now, a person with faults and inconsistencies as well as strengths.

"I just couldn't make myself do anything but sit still, Peeta. I was…stuck. I am less stuck now. I am doing better now. Surely you know that. "

"Are you going to try to kill yourself, Katniss?"

I was stunned by Peeta's question. It was so direct. Nobody had ever asked me anything like that before. Even Dr. Aurelius had not. He only had me answer some "yes" and "no" questions about suicide on a computer screen when I first saw him in District 13. In prison they simply put me on suicide watch. They never asked about suicide.

"I think if I was going to do it, I would have already done it. I guess anything is possible though. We've certainly learned that over the past few years."

"I'm glad you aren't thinking of killing yourself anymore, Katniss. There are many people who admire you and love you. You just don't know it. You can feel better than this. I promise. You don't need to give up. You have so much to live for." Peeta said.

"And you? Do you admire me? Do you love me?" I asked.

Peeta looked like I'd hit him in the stomach. I knew I was being hard on him when all he was trying to do was help me. There was no real reason for this interrogation of him, and but I couldn't stop myself.

"Yes and yes," He said simply as he looked down again. "I love you enough that I want you to get better more than anything. When we were children, I gave you bread when you needed food. It was what I had and what you needed. Now I don't know what you need or if I have it, but I know I want you to get better.

"I need to feel something. I swear, Peeta. That's what I need."

Peeta looked into my eyes. I think he was looking for certainty. He must have found it because he leaned in and brushed his soft lips against mine. I pressed into the kiss. He followed. His hands were suddenly on either side of my head, gently cradling it. Soon our kisses deepened. His hands moved down to my shoulders and then to my back. I did feel something. I felt that intoxicating confusion that I'd felt in the cave. I felt the warmth of affection and the exhilaration of…something…maybe… desire? Was I in love with Peeta? Maybe. Was it fair to him for me to be in love with him? Maybe not. He should have someone better than me. I noticed that Peeta's breathing was rapid. Mine was too. His hands seemed to tremble slightly against my back. We seemed to be getting into this awfully fast. I came up for air.

"Peeta, can we hold each other like we did on the train?" I managed to say.

Peeta caught his breath. "Yes, I think we can do that." He said, "I think I'd like that too."

So we walked over to the living room and snuggled up together on the sofa. Peeta's arms enveloped me. I felt warm and safe. I gently stroked Peeta's hand with my fingertips. My body took some time to come down from all the feelings ignited by kissing Peeta. Indeed, I felt alive. I felt a twinge of guilt too though. Where would we go from here?


	6. Chapter 6

(Point of View: Peeta)

Katniss may have felt that bad at 12 years old, but I never knew it if she did. I'd certainly never heard her talk that way. I was reassured that she had no intentions of killing herself but saddened that she thought her life was so miserable. This is why I'd come to District 12 though. I shouldn't be surprised. Now I know what I'm up against. It only strengthens my resolve.

I really was afraid that kissing Katniss would only make things more confusing, but she seemed to want it so much. I could never say "no" to Katniss even when she wasn't so vulnerable. I had to kiss her. I thought it would be one sweet, short kiss that would be followed up by more talking. Instead it became the most passionate series of kisses we'd ever shared. It got more intense with every second. The kisses, the softness of her skin, her hitched breathing, and the tiny noises I don't even think she knew she was making…it was all too much. Katniss seemed to channel every emotion she had into those kisses. I don't think I've ever gotten that turned on that fast. It was all I could do to keep from putting my hands in places Katniss hadn't clearly given me permission to put them. My mind flew ahead though. I imagined that we were lying on the floor in front of the fire. It was like what I imagined when I was living in the Capitol, but it was better. Then Katniss stopped. Part of me was glad she stopped because I was beginning to wonder if I'd be able to pull away if she didn't. Katniss asked if we could hold each other like we did on the train. So I held her. I tried not to hold her too close because I was still so turned on. I didn't want to embarrass her. I didn't want to make it more difficult for me to control my thoughts and feelings either. I tried to calm my mind and body. I hoped Katniss wouldn't feel rejected by the distance between us. Although I'd held Katniss all night for many nights on the train, we never did it after making out or even kissing. Holding her now was different. It wasn't that I didn't want to do it. I did. I just wanted to be with her so much that I found it difficult to be so physically close and not touch her…I mean, really touch her. I felt my eyes moisten. She was falling asleep.

Isn't this what I wanted? I asked myself. It was, but Katniss was still so sad. Her problems weren't going to go away in a day. Mine were still there, and I'd been working really hard on them for months. I wished this was the beginning. I wished that all the bad things hadn't happened and that I was falling in love with Katniss right then for the first time. On the other hand, everything we'd been through together made me love her more. Even more oddly, the tracker jacker torture made me question everything about Katniss; and somehow that made me love her more too.

My mind and body had slowed down by then. Katniss was asleep. I reached over and touched her shoulder. I could feel all of the bones very easily. I ran my hand down her arm noting how thin it was. Her wrist was covered by her long sleeve shirt. I picked up her arm and circled her wrist with my thumb and index finger. I ran my hand down her back and felt the prominent bones of her spine. I didn't do it for any gratification. I wanted to see how bad things had gotten, that's all. I realized just how fragile her body was. The kinds of things I imagined doing with Katniss as my wife would probably hurt her physically if we did them now. I felt a little guilty for getting so turned on before. What if we'd somehow gotten carried away in the moment? I didn't want to hurt her. My eyes moistened again, and I tried to think of ways to help Katniss learn to be strong again. She had to get physically strong for sure, but I knew she had to get mentally strong too.

Katniss was still sleeping when I woke up. I didn't really want to leave her, but I had told Delly I'd meet her in town by 9 AM. I was both relieved and embarrassed when I saw Greasy Sae and her grand-daughter walking across the yard towards the house.

"I suppose things went well," She quipped. "'I guess now you know for sure that she wanted to see you."

I just stood on the porch for a moment wondering if somewhere in those statements there was a question.

"Umm, yes, I guess I know that now. Thank you, Sae." I replied. I started to walk down the stairs to get away.

"I hope you didn't keep her up all night. The poor girl sleeps so poorly as it is." Sae said.

My mouth nearly dropped open. Was the old woman implying what I thought she was implying?

"No, Ma'am. I didn't keep her up at all." I replied.

"Of course you didn't. Just be careful. Don't hurt her." Sae commanded as she gave the wooden spoon she was holding a little shake in my direction.

Maybe Greasy Sae should tell Katniss not to hurt me too! I thought. I understood why she was so protective of Katniss though. She'd assumed a motherly role here.

"Come back for dinner, Peeta," she added, "She'll eat better with you here."

I nodded and started down the path towards town. Delly was meeting me at the former courthouse site. As she crossed the street I could see that she was really starting to show. Delly was married to a man from 13. She was pregnant. I didn't know how far along she was. I didn't think I should ask, but I didn't want her to think I didn't care either. Darn, I thought, life is complicated. Maybe I was just still embarrassed by what Sae had said to me.

"Ready to go?" Delly said lightly.

It was a simple question, but I knew she really meant 'are you really ready' in this context.

"Yes, I think I am."

We made our way down the main street towards the merchant district. It was easy to see where the bakery had been because parts of the ovens were still there. Everything else was burned to the ground. Not only had this been my place of work, it was my home as well. We lived above the bakery. I walked around the perimeter a few times trying to decide where I should put the vine wreath I had carefully made in memory of my family. I sat down because all those nightmares of my parents and brothers screaming were starting to haunt me.

This was a mistake, I thought, I shouldn't have come here. I knew I didn't have to give in though. I decided to try to focus on the wreath sitting in my lap. The lines across the bark of the woody vines made intricate patterns. Of course, I'd intertwined the vines to make another pattern. I thought about painting vines and vine wreathes. I thought about putting flowers between the vines. I felt the terror that was building a few moments ago start to subside.

"I think I need to leave." I told Delly.

"That's fine Peeta. Do you want to leave the wreath?"

"You just put it somewhere, Delly. I can't tell where the door was." I blurted out. Then I walked down the street.

Delly soon caught up with me.

"OK, I left it there. It looks nice, Peeta. Everyone will know you made it for them. It's very sweet."

"Yes, a funeral where the dead outnumbered the bereaved." I said sarcastically.

"Well, at least you tried." She said. Sometimes Delly's boundless optimism was annoying.

I decided to lighten the mood and talk about something truly optimistic.

"Are you two getting excited about the baby?"

She smiled, "Yes, I was wondering if you were going to mention the baby."

"Well, there comes a time to mention a baby, doesn't there?"

"Yes, there does." She said smiling.

"I hope everything goes well. You will be a great mother."

I thought about how I'd told Katniss that once.

As if she was reading my mind, Delly asked, "Does Katinss want kids?"

"I actually don't know . It's strange. Katniss and I know some important things about one another, but we don't know some others." I confided.

"Well, that's one you probably want to know before you get too far into things again, Peeta."

I stopped and turned to her, shocked.

"Why do you think you have the right to say that? Why does everyone think I'm "getting too far into things" and moving too fast. What kind of person do you think I am? I'm not stupid, Delly. I'm not going to take advantage of Katniss either. Of course I would ask important questions if they needed to be asked. Now is not the time."

"I'm just saying that Katniss is…different. She's always been that way. Sometimes she doesn't want the same things most other girls want. Plus, she's not well, Peeta. I just think maybe you'd be better off if you just moved on with your life and found someone else. Besides, do you think it is a good idea to spend your life with someone you were once brainwashed to assassinate?"

Apparently, Delly's boundless optimism had limits.


End file.
